it has been a while since i last updated this blog. been busy with clinics, working life, and so on..

how am i doing in life?

i feel quite okay.. it feels nice. 

the most important part right now, is having someone to love and to be loved by someone. never in my life I have someone, other than my family, that i can rely on.  he has his flaws, obviously, but so do I.

it's been hard for us these past few weeks. but i believe that our time will come. i'm happy now, and I hope he's happy too.. at least, this will deviate him from thinking too much about his economic stability..but hey.. life is like a wheel. i'm not repeating my last mistake in this chance. i'm going to give all i can, but in return, i wish for eternal happiness.

but sometimes, i'm thinking..
am i being fair to myself?
i don't know if i should say that i deserve someone better. for me, this is enough. I don't want a guy with fancy cars, just someone who knows how to be responsible, especially towards his family. ..

he has flaws, well so do i... a lot.

--

and then, there is this other guy, that came into my life after he left me. it was abrupt, and i never notice his existence, until months later.. although, he's been there all the time !  on his birthday,  i  confessed my feelings.. i was neither accepted nor rejected, but it made me feel so relieved.

then on the same day, later that evening..he came back into my life..begging to be accepted back..

i gave him the chance, but if he screw this, that's it.

but i was wrong.. he changed.
he has become more lovable, attentive and cares more that he was before.

and with that.. i'm going to give all i can for us, for  our family and for our future family 💕

730 days later: i survived

I cant believe that 2 yrs ago, today, was one of my deepest, most heartbroken days.

The day you threw me away.

I was barely surviving on the first 200 days. Then it gets better, alhamdulillah. Betul la apa kau cakap, time will heal. Time did heal me.

Also, time also made me wondered about my mistakes and i learn what i should and should not do.

For now, i'm focusing on myself.

Having crushes (hahahaha), make myself busy like super busy until i have no time for these shenanigans. Entah la, do things that make me feel satisfied.

Marriage? Settling down? I should be thinking those stuffs now, tapi hmm ntah la.. I don't think i'm really ready to commit to a single person.. well aku bole jak tbh, tp why have one when you can have many kan? 😂

And if you happen to read this, rest assured that whatever shit that is happening in your life, those too shall pass. I had my days, maybe it was a whole different situation, but yeah i survived. But i wasn't alone la..there were so many people helped me, and i can't thank them enough.

Alhamdulillah for those dark days.
Semoga pijanahh sentiasa kuat, sihat and ceria yeah ! ❤

The most awaited dream ever

2 days ago, i got mimpi yg paling buat aku rasa puas hati..

Masa tu dlm kem, some kind of kem pengakap.. and i was looking at the carta organisasi, i was my name..

Nurul Firzanah Baso
Kem Komandon

Bila tengok tu mcm, wow ok aku kem kom? Hahaha ok la tu.. and i was there tgh handle kursus utk newbies.. kiranya budak pengakap fresh lagi la..

Then, ada 3 org scout baru dtg..

One of them is the person that really sampai skrg made my chest feels tight even from her name.

Beyon

So, dorg 3 org ni, came to report to me.. and i was like being professional la as any kem kom would do kan..

Then lepas tu, i approached her..

"Kamu tahu ka siapa saya"
"Tahu puan"
"Kamu tahu ka siapa saya"

Then her face started to berubah

I approached her.

"Ingat nama ni betul2. Nurul Firzanah Baso. Kau pernah ambil kebahagiaan aku dulu."

Then i left her with the most cynical smile i ever gave to a person..
..and left her hanging, looking speechless.

And that was the most satisfying i ever had.

Oh..and if you happen to read this mus, pls know, i'm still waiting for an apology for what had happen 2 yrs ago.

Maybe it's time for you to muhasabah balik why your life is a mess right now.

And jgn salah sangka.. aku x berdendam langsung dgn kau..and aku sda maafkan pun kau.. wounds heal, but scars stays forever.

But to forget the pain that i felt, nope.
I will remember it, until the day you will feel the urge to apologise to me for what had happen in 2017.

Permulaan yang baru (?)

Kita merancang..
Allah pun merancang..
Kadang apa yg kita rancang tu, berlainan. Bahkan berlawanan dgn apa Allah rancang untuk kita..
Tapi yakinlah, Allah adalah sebaik-baik perancang.

Tbh, skrg ni bukan masa yg sesuai utk aku bercinta or komited dgn apa2 hubungan. Aku patut fokus untuk selesaikan study ku yg suda 2 tahun terlambat dari org lain. Tapi aku x kisah..as long as aku banyak belajar benda lain.

Again, as for my relationship with nizam, it wasn't all rainbow and sunshine.. aku sendiri pun belum yakin adakah my rship with him will work out? Idk, and i was afraid. But he reassured me, that everything is going to be fine.

Hubungan yg dimulakan dgn niat ke arah perkahwinan mmg lain dugaannya. Betul kata org..bila kau ada niat mau menghalalkan seseorang, dugaan dia ni nda bole bincang betul oh. Gara2 benda sekecil kuman pun boleh buat gaduh and ended broke up the relationship. Aku mmg half bersedia utk ke alam rumahtangga ni, tp ada banyak benda aku kena belajar lagi...

Especially pasal perangai dia ni.

Yes, mmg dia ckp..if ada org lain berkenan dgn aku, i should accept him. Entah la..mungkin someday ada la kali, or mungkin tiada langsung. But as for me, aku akan anggap ni cuma dugaan utk kami.

Lagipun, ni cara utk kami x terjerumus dlm zina lagi. Our past had broke us.

Aku still akan stay here. Mungkin yalah masa ex aku dulu pun aku stay and ended up being depressed. But kali ni, aku xkan bergantung dgn diriku semata2..

Lahawla wala quwwata illa billah..

Tiada daya dan tiada kekuatan kecuali dgn pertolongan Allah.

And we'll see how it goes.

Kalau betul dialah orgnya, maka jadilah.
Kalau bukan, sesungguhnya Allah Maha Pemurah lagi Maha Penyayang.