I don't really know what does it means, of course it literally mean the obvious..but i don't really understand the phrase.
I will always stay? In what way? Observing me from a far while hugging another girl? wow
k quit ranting
back to the main story
6 months ago, i almost, like almost totally get over you.. but guess what happened..
as i was busy working my part-time job, i was waiting for a friend and decided to just view who viewed my Instastory. And i saw this suspicious account which i may actually know who was it (i'm really particular in seeing who has been viewing my story), and to my surprise, it was you. You want to know how does it feels? Like a bird finally being able to fly free then she realized that her feet was tied to a long string and she just got pulled back to the ground. Then i started to view everything back and it turned to be that you had been stalking me for a while. All my effort just fell to the drain and i was back to my old state. Sumpah i was really mad that time, but i decided to play along. But yeah, you know me very well and in fact you know me better than i know myself. Finally, you admit that it was you although you had been ignoring my dms all this while.
Ok back to today, what i really wanted to write about.
27 November 2011, somewhere after maghrib.
I gather my strength to ask you the question that has been bothering my mind all the time.
Who am i in your eyes, and i remembered i went to my room after you said 'yes'. I fainted, luckily on my bed hahahaha. Fine it was like this,,childish, i know, but that was how we started..
"Are we in a relationship?"
"Yes, we are"
and i fainted. HAHA
It lasted for 4 years, and i still kept some of our old photos from those days (we dont have a smartphone yet, but somehow we managed to have some pictures together hahaha) Geli mmg geli bila tinguk balik, but yeahh that was us and those were our days hahahahahahahaha
Yes, in our relationship, i was a fool.. i had a lot expectations from you, but then i started to realize that was how i was raised, full of expectations that i have to meet. That's why i was quite disappointed when i realized that you could meet those expectations i had for you. I was being impatient, and it was entirely my fault. I did asked you to wait for another 11 years for us, but i guess i was the one to blame. You hold on too much and you had enough, until you met another one who could really sooth you, support you and shower you with love. While me, i was only able to give you a materialistic kind of love.
The love that i see beyond what you could see.
That love was for your future, for our future. I tried my best to bring the best version of yourself, but i messed up. I was expecting another thing, you were expecting another. At the end of the day, it was toxic for both of us.
18 August 2015, we broke off for good.
2 years later, we maintained our friendship for as good as we could possibly could. But you treated me as you were still into me, and i didn't know that was actually still into you, until i found out about that girl. You could have been honest to me, so that i would stay. You lied, and it tore me apart. So many things happened, i hurt myself twice, countless suicidal thoughts, i literally wanted to die. The only thing that kept restrain me from doing so is the fact that suicide is haram in Islam. At the end of the day, i seek medical help. Alhamdulillah..i helped me a lot. Then Allah sent me some people into my life just to cheer me up and again alhamdulillah, although i'm not fully healed, but i could keep my sanity in my head.
Today, 26 November 2018, while writing this, i could tell that i'm still in love with you. Too many odds are against us, and i know it was nearly impossible for us to end up together. It was so hard for me, for you and for us. It was too hard and i don't have any interest to find another love. You were the last one. It's true there's someone in between, but i know him way superficial and i realize, he's just a trash (ni mmg literally trash..really a trash.. sampai skrg pn aku meluat gila tengok dia,,but for professional reason, i still belum block dia dlm fb nor in any socmed. If only i could do so, it will be good). Fine, enough about that trash.
Coming back to you, i just don't know what to do. I don't even know whether it is okay to let you stalk my life again and again. I just don't know if you still care about me. But i still do.. a lot. Other than my family and myself, you had been always in my prayers. Everyday, in my daily prayers, i will mention your name, asking Allah to ease whatever you are doing, and to let Him do whats best for both of us.
Yes, i remembered you said you hate seeing someone being hurt because of you. You know, it hurts me a lot seeing you sad but i hurts harder seeing your picture with that girl or anything related with that girl, which is why i never stalk your instagram again and stopped playing Mobile Legend (but i started playing it back bcz cmonnn mana lagi mau lepas geram selain dlm ML omg). I saw your profile, so i know what you wrote. wtv
To tell you the truth, as you can see from my instastory, i don't have anything with Hanafi, or i shall call him Ling2,, why Ling2, refer previous posts. I may have feelings for him, but it was just merely for a friend..like really a friend, and will not cross the boundary. Unlike those feelings i had for you from the beningging of our friendship. It was different. So does my feelings for Hafiz. He was a great friend, and being able to share almost anything with him sometimes really makes me feel at ease. Well, some things you can't really share with others, but i can trust him.
So yeah, 7 years of being in love with you..
Will it change? I don't know.
I guess, i'm the one who should say this.
Siempre me quadara.
Te quiero, mus.
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