Past, present and future

I know i'm being very pessimist lately, I just don't know how to hold myself together now. I want to cry but I just can't. Something is blocking my tear glands from exerting my tears. Obviously i know the reason behind it, it's just that I don't know how to hold myself together.

I'm not saying that i'm depressed, and obviously not anxious. I just don't know how to describe myself right now. I can't think straight, i keep doing the same thing everyday, i thought about my past almost every hour of the day, and my overthinking really had my nerves. I've been trying to get help, but I just don't know how. Don't worry, i never had the thought of ending my life.

or perhaps i'm just lonely?

i've been heartbroken and failed in most part of life these past 2 years. i'm not doing the things that i love. at this moment, i want to have a time machine and just meet the past me, asking how do i cope my life so well and became such an optimist all the time despite those haters and bullies. Back then, i never thought that calling other people with names that you don't like is some sort of bullies. It hurts, but i don't really make a fuss on it.

Okay, here's the story. back in 2011, i was in form 4. At the same time, my new school had a new principal, which most of the students hated because she was quite fussy. But the principal wanted the students to call her 'bonda'. So, as i entered the new school, they saw my physical appearance was just like the principal, thus they called me 'bonda'. Obviously i hated it because i hated the principal at the first place. There was just too many new ridiculous rules that made our boarding school days horrible. We can't even eat Maggi ! Bringing Maggi to the dormitory was a taboo and you could be called to the warden's office to be punished ! So what i did to compensate with the name, i just told these people that "I hope one day, i'll become a mother. Thank you for your prayers everyday". That's how optimist was I back then.

I wish i'll become a mother one day.

Okay, back to present me. I just don't know what happened. I guess those heartbreaks really gotten into me. This time, i really want to thank my first love because, eventhough he knows that i've been having a crush on him for the longest time and he knew that he can't requite it, so he decide to ignore me. It hurts a lot that time but i soon came to realize that, it was for the best. He doesn't want to hurt me because he know much i'll be suffering if he gave me hope. For that, i thank him because i survived, and the fact that he's always been there when i need to be. It's just that, last August 2017, i came to know that now he has someone. So, i might as well cut our connections and just leave his life alone.

Now what? I guess I just want somebody that i can love. I need someone to bring out the best part of myself. I need it desperately. I can't do this alone. I want someone that could never argue to. This stone headed girl, needs someone that could change her. Okay, perhaps people will say "Nooo you don't need anyone to change. You can change yourself and you can be the best version of myself." Who am I kidding? Nobody knows my past and just nobody knows me well. I'm a loner but i don't really fancy being alone. I don't like clingy people, and that's why I refuse to be clingy to anyone. I just want people to turn to if i need to, and to just be there without judging my actions.

Yes, i have friends that i could rely on and turn to just to make me feel good, and i really appreciate that. It's just that, sometimes, they can be very clingy and judging. Just recently, my bestfriend got her job in a nearby hospital and she was on her 3rd trimester pregnancy. It's just natural for me to be on her side throughout her pregnancy because her husband is not here and her housemates were busy with their own lives. I just can't leave her alone. At least, i need to be there until her husband gets here. It was only for 3 weeks. I don't even have time for myself. But they said something that made feel like a useless friend;

"Kau dah tak lepak dengan kitorang dah"

"You don't hang out with us anymore"

"Dia kan pergi dengan bestfriend dia je, dia taknak kawan kita dah"

"She has her bestfriend now, she doesn't want to be friends with us anymore"

I remained silent. They just don't know how hurtful those words to me. I came to realize that, people around me are just too judging.

Okay enough complaining. I need to be grateful that i still have them by my side, kan?

رَبِّ اِنِّىۡ لِمَاۤ اَنۡزَلۡتَ اِلَىَّ مِنۡ خَيۡرٍ فَقِيۡرٌ

"My Lord, I am truly in great need of any good that You might send down to me."

(Surah Al-Qasas, ayat 24)