I screwed up 2017

It's been a while since i last updated this blog. Well first is obviously i was too lazy to open my computer and typing everything. Most of the time, i've been updating my diary which is for me is much better than having to publish anything in the internet. It's not like anyone is going to bother about your life pun kan?

Okay perhaps it is not too late for me to update for the first week of 2018 kan?

I dont expect much this year, I don't have any hope for anything except to pass my 3rd yr in dental school. I don't expect a new relationship, i don't expect to expand my network. So basically, this year is going to be all about me. I need to fix those things that I screwed up last year.

As most of the people here know how much i love to be involve in campus election. Blue had been part of me since the first day i know Blue. But towards these past 2 years, campus election had changed tremendously. I ended up giving up the thing that I love. No, it wasn't me who gave up, but the objective of this new Blue changed. The Blue that i know, is no longer the Blue that I used to love and fight for. It feels like, they threw us away. We've been fighting together for the past 3 sessions of campus election, and at the end, they decided to eliminate us and sees us as a threat. Especially me. It looks like that i've been their biggest threat since i refuse to be part of the election. I was interested and ready on the first place (if not, why would i be going through all the fuss to prepare for this?). But they ended up treating me like i'm sort of a ball, being chased and passed around. So in the end, they eliminate me (just like a deflated ball). But that's just about it. I screw things up this time and got me in trouble instead. *sigh

I screwed up my relationship with my ex. It hurts but i know Allah know's best and there's a reason why He did this to me. I suffered and is suffering, while he's happy with the things that he always wanted; a good job and a good companion. At least, i'm happy that he has all those. And me myself, i need to be happy and grateful that i have for now. Great things take time. Allah sendiri cakap dekat Al-Quran, Surah Al-Baqarah, ayat 216;

وَعَسَى أَنْ تَكْرَهُوا شَيْئًا وَهُوَ خَيْرٌ لَكُمْ وَعَسَى أَنْ تُحِبُّوا شَيْئًا وَهُوَ شَرٌّ لَكُمْ وَاللهُ يَعْلَمُ وَأَنْتُمْ لاَ تَعْلَمُونَ

“Boleh jadi kamu membenci sesuatu, padahal ia amat baik bagimu, dan boleh jadi (pula) kamu menyukai sesuatu, padahal ia amat buruk bagimu; Allah mengetahui, sedangkan kamu tidak mengetahui.” 

(Al-Baqarah: 216)

Yeah.. for now, i hate the fact that i screwed up our relationship, but i hate myself more for letting my heart to be in love with someone like him, which doesn't deserve me at all ! I know he had been hurting after I left him, but it was for a better cause. I never left him entirely. I was still there when he needs me and i tried to possibly be the best helper for him. I was willing to sacrifice what I have for him, but I guess it was too much, and i was being too much. After i was let heartbroken by a decent guy, i started to have feelings for him again. I was happy because his feelings for me retained. But being together again wasn't an option at all. I thought I could win his heart back, but I was wrong. Holding on to him is like holding on a blade. It lacerates and bleeds like crazy. I can't even think straight. All i ever wanted is to win his heart back. I know how much he had been losing himself and being far away from remembering Allah, and I can't afford to let him lose again. I know I have flaws, a lot of flaws. Even most of the time, i failed to remember Allah. I guess that before i'm thinking of bringing someone, i should consider bringing myself first. 

I guess for this year, i should focus on bringing myself together again after being broken to pieces. 

Not hoping much for 2018, i'm just hoping by the end of this year, i'll be able to love again. 2 years of heartbroken is enough.

Happy New Year !