It's been hot in Malaysia recently. I safely arrived home last Monday with my stuffs yg for others xda la banyak sangat, but for me that was a hell lot of stuffs wahaha.. rasa mcm hoarders pun ada.. pstu bila my sisters tanya2 barang apa semua tu and if they can have if, i was like "alamak, semua tu barang orang bagi. i brought it home so that i can store them properly..ended up my sisters yg ambik pulak hahaha"
Well, other man's trash is another man's treasure 😂
Speaking of trash, aku rasa aku ni trash sgat la weh. I need to take pills just to keep myself happy.. rasanya? Pathetic ! So pathetic !!
Dear ex (oh wait i need to mention your full name here, manatau dia tiba2 terajin mau Google nama dia ka.. at least bole la dia terbaca..lagi best klu gf dia yg baca fufufu)
Dear S Musbifamirwin bin Mustapa.
Congratulations for ruining my life. Congratulations for being happy.. and congratulations for getting what you always wanted. Oh pls do know yg aku tau u've been stalking me on Instagram lately. I'm not that stupid ya. Klu ya pun mau stalk, u don't have to show your phone number ok. Semua org ada smart phone, and you know what that means. Kau ni kan, aku mau suda hampir2 berjaya lupakan kau..sampai aku kena ambik antidepressants just to keep myself sane.
Kau tau ka apa yg aku perlu tempuh just to forget you? I have to lie. Convincing myself that you are dead. Kubur kau ada sana dekat Jalan Aman. Every night before aku tidur, aku akan imagine kau dekat deathbed, or tiba2 ada member call ckp kau tgh kritikal di hospital, mau jalan suda.. or kau mati eksiden.. or tiba2 kau lumpuh. Yg lumpuh tu ok lagi sbb aku sanggup jaga kau if kau ditakdirkan lumpuh..tu pun klu kau sanggup terima aku balik la dalam hidupmu..
Aku bukan doa yg bukan2.. tpi for me this is the only way yg aku kena buat other than ambik tu antidepressants just to keep my sanity in place. Kau xtau how messed up hidup aku lepas kau buang aku gara2 seorang wanita after what i have done for you. Mau maki pun nda cukup ouu.. teda makian yg setanding betapa shitnya kau masa tu.
Sampai ke tahap mcm tu sekali ya aku kena buat. Sampai ke tahap mcm tu..up to you la klu mau judge and ckp "ala just find another one laa".. tau ka aku kena ambik masa setahun just to betul2 fell in love dgn dia before we declare ourselves. Yes, crush to sekelip mata jak bole crush..tpi to really to be in love with someone, not as easy as that. Yaa bertuah la kau sbb in just a month, u found my replacement..on my birthday pulak tu.. haaa tepok laa gais tepookkkk !
Is it fair?
Org2 yg buat aku begini are happy dgn hidup dorg sekarang..
While aku? Kena ambik pil just to be happy.
Hmm biarlah.
Allah tengah uji ni..
Sabar sikit ya zana..
InsyaAllah..we'll get through this !
"Disetiap kesulitan pasti ada kemudahan" (94 : 5 & 6)
Expecting the Unexpected
Yesterday, my friend gave me something to ponder about. Being alone vs being lonely.
I know that i'm kind of a lone ranger person, because i find it is more tolerable for me to do what I want to do, without having to menyusahkan anyone. Like, i like going to a random and cheap trips alone because some of my friends might not be comfortable with the way i do things bcz i'm a very independent person. Despite all that, i don't fancy being lonely, i guess nobody does..
So, i scrolled through the link that my friend shared to me via WhatsApp, and it was only just scanning through the articles because i might have a big idea of what the writer wanted to say. So i asked my friend back;
Why does he feels lonely?
At some point of our lives, we will feel this kind of loneliness, and it's actually part of signs of maturity. You take some time to just know yourself better, because you only have you. Why bother asking people to judge you when you could actually judge yourself and reflect about it. Try to improve those imperfections that you have and focus more on developing those qualities that you want as a person.
For my friend here, it was another thing. I asked him how does he mingles around his friends, and he told me that he prefers to put on his earphone, scrolling his phone when he was together with his friend. This is what i don't like about having a smart phone. You dive into the virtual world without having to actually appreciate the reality in front, and the end of the day, you just feel alone because you thought that your world only revolves around you. As if that you are the centre of the uniberse.
There is a lot of things to be grateful about in this world, and being lonely is one of the thing that we should be grateful for. Me myself feel lonely at some points of my life, but i take it like Allah is giving me a time off from the people around me so that i could focus on myself. It's like, you are isolating yourself from the people around and started to look things on a different perspective. For example, your friends. How would you survive this cruel world without them? You have a home to miss everyday while you are away, you have a reason to smile even if it was only because of a lame joke. These are the little things that we should really be grateful of.
Do know that Allah set you up in that loneliness is for you to reflect and to be grateful more with you currently have and had.
But if you are feeling too lonely and depressed, do get some help. Because it might be from a pathological cause.
Well, what do you expect from a girl that took pills just to keep herself happy?
❤
I know that i'm kind of a lone ranger person, because i find it is more tolerable for me to do what I want to do, without having to menyusahkan anyone. Like, i like going to a random and cheap trips alone because some of my friends might not be comfortable with the way i do things bcz i'm a very independent person. Despite all that, i don't fancy being lonely, i guess nobody does..
So, i scrolled through the link that my friend shared to me via WhatsApp, and it was only just scanning through the articles because i might have a big idea of what the writer wanted to say. So i asked my friend back;
Why does he feels lonely?
At some point of our lives, we will feel this kind of loneliness, and it's actually part of signs of maturity. You take some time to just know yourself better, because you only have you. Why bother asking people to judge you when you could actually judge yourself and reflect about it. Try to improve those imperfections that you have and focus more on developing those qualities that you want as a person.
For my friend here, it was another thing. I asked him how does he mingles around his friends, and he told me that he prefers to put on his earphone, scrolling his phone when he was together with his friend. This is what i don't like about having a smart phone. You dive into the virtual world without having to actually appreciate the reality in front, and the end of the day, you just feel alone because you thought that your world only revolves around you. As if that you are the centre of the uniberse.
There is a lot of things to be grateful about in this world, and being lonely is one of the thing that we should be grateful for. Me myself feel lonely at some points of my life, but i take it like Allah is giving me a time off from the people around me so that i could focus on myself. It's like, you are isolating yourself from the people around and started to look things on a different perspective. For example, your friends. How would you survive this cruel world without them? You have a home to miss everyday while you are away, you have a reason to smile even if it was only because of a lame joke. These are the little things that we should really be grateful of.
Do know that Allah set you up in that loneliness is for you to reflect and to be grateful more with you currently have and had.
But if you are feeling too lonely and depressed, do get some help. Because it might be from a pathological cause.
Well, what do you expect from a girl that took pills just to keep herself happy?
❤
The Happy Pills
Alhamdulillah..lately i'm feeling good about myself. I think baru skrg i can feel that my medication is giving effect towards my brain chemistry ceh..
Yeah, i still thought about my ex, a lot.. but it doesn't reach to the point that will make me rant over it. Not like the other previous nights. It feels so good weh, alhamdulillah.. i wish to have this great feeling longer..
Or perhaps, it's just because professional exam is over and i'm not suppose to be stressed out because of it.. idk.. perhaps thats one the contributing factor, but not the trigger. I just wish that no one will ever mention anything about my ex ever again.. it's okay if i'm the one who's going to mention, but not anyone that is connected to him shall do so. For me he's dead, and that is the only way that could convince myself to get over him, because he's not here in this world anymore. But, if anyone who is connected to him were to say something or update anything about him to me, that will just tumble down the fort that i've been building all this while to keep my sanity in its place.
So, this evening, i went out with Aiza. It was a totally random thing that we did because initially, we were just going out for some laksa with Sabrina before she goes back home tonight. Then suddenly, Aiza out of the blue, wanted to go out. Haha i was wearing my selipar toilet and nasib baik i actually wear soemthing proper hahaha.
We went out to Quill Mall lah, have some nice long chat over some iced mocha and thai green tea. Then we opened up a bit about our current relationship status. Although she's dating our junior, but she said that she no longer longs for her first love, unlike in her previous relationships. I guess, that's one point of maturity reached. While me, it's not like I'm not trying to love again, it's just that, i haven't find someone that could reach that part of my heart that me myself couldn't. Hard, i know, but i know he's somewhere out there.
Okay, i know now i'm actually quite close with this friend, but idk. At one point it's fun talking to him, but i just don't feel like it's going to be more than just a friend. Not even a special friend, like i once considered Musbi when we were getting to know each other.
Omg Musbi what have you freakin done to my heart ?
You broke it so hard sampai i couldn't remember the feeling of being in love.
Fine, lantak la kau sana. You are dead, there is no way to bring you back to live.
As for me, i may continue to build up this wall for my heart, until i found whoever is strong and worthy enough to open the door the the castle lol hahaha punya minta puji 😂
Anyway, Kak Husna, Najah and Athira Azyan are getting married ! Yeayy congratulations to them ❤
Okey, may Firzanah pun will find her own happy ending with that will make her closer to Allah hehehe
Yeah, i still thought about my ex, a lot.. but it doesn't reach to the point that will make me rant over it. Not like the other previous nights. It feels so good weh, alhamdulillah.. i wish to have this great feeling longer..
Or perhaps, it's just because professional exam is over and i'm not suppose to be stressed out because of it.. idk.. perhaps thats one the contributing factor, but not the trigger. I just wish that no one will ever mention anything about my ex ever again.. it's okay if i'm the one who's going to mention, but not anyone that is connected to him shall do so. For me he's dead, and that is the only way that could convince myself to get over him, because he's not here in this world anymore. But, if anyone who is connected to him were to say something or update anything about him to me, that will just tumble down the fort that i've been building all this while to keep my sanity in its place.
So, this evening, i went out with Aiza. It was a totally random thing that we did because initially, we were just going out for some laksa with Sabrina before she goes back home tonight. Then suddenly, Aiza out of the blue, wanted to go out. Haha i was wearing my selipar toilet and nasib baik i actually wear soemthing proper hahaha.
We went out to Quill Mall lah, have some nice long chat over some iced mocha and thai green tea. Then we opened up a bit about our current relationship status. Although she's dating our junior, but she said that she no longer longs for her first love, unlike in her previous relationships. I guess, that's one point of maturity reached. While me, it's not like I'm not trying to love again, it's just that, i haven't find someone that could reach that part of my heart that me myself couldn't. Hard, i know, but i know he's somewhere out there.
Okay, i know now i'm actually quite close with this friend, but idk. At one point it's fun talking to him, but i just don't feel like it's going to be more than just a friend. Not even a special friend, like i once considered Musbi when we were getting to know each other.
Omg Musbi what have you freakin done to my heart ?
You broke it so hard sampai i couldn't remember the feeling of being in love.
Fine, lantak la kau sana. You are dead, there is no way to bring you back to live.
As for me, i may continue to build up this wall for my heart, until i found whoever is strong and worthy enough to open the door the the castle lol hahaha punya minta puji 😂
Anyway, Kak Husna, Najah and Athira Azyan are getting married ! Yeayy congratulations to them ❤
Okey, may Firzanah pun will find her own happy ending with that will make her closer to Allah hehehe
Always - Bon Jovi
At this moment, I miss you so much.. i just don't know why all those memories about us are coming back to me now.. i miss them..
I just don't know what to do now.. i miss you a lot.. aku masih ingat lagi our times when we danced in the rain, sharing the same umbrella, me picking your jerawat, your teasings sebab suka tarik my tali bra (dem you)..
I know are happy with your life now, while me, i have to take pills to keep myself sane. I don't know..
I just miss you so much dear..
But i need to move on from you..
You will always be here, in the deep trench of my heart..
Well there ain't no luck in this loaded dice
Baby if you give just one more chance
We could pack our old dreams and our old life
We'll find a place, where the sun still shines
And i will love you..always
I just don't know what to do now.. i miss you a lot.. aku masih ingat lagi our times when we danced in the rain, sharing the same umbrella, me picking your jerawat, your teasings sebab suka tarik my tali bra (dem you)..
I know are happy with your life now, while me, i have to take pills to keep myself sane. I don't know..
I just miss you so much dear..
But i need to move on from you..
You will always be here, in the deep trench of my heart..
Well there ain't no luck in this loaded dice
Baby if you give just one more chance
We could pack our old dreams and our old life
We'll find a place, where the sun still shines
And i will love you..always
Seeking the rainbow after a storm
I just hate myself.
Why can't i be like anyone else? Why do i seem to be failing in everything i do? Why there isn't one thing that is going the right way in my life except my weight?
Why??? Why can't i have a life like others? Why can't i excel in my studies? Haven't i gave enough effort? But i always get E for effort !
Why is it so hard?? Why i can't become like myself before this? Just, why???? Why can't i be successful like others? Why can't i pass my clinic when everyone does? Why can't i deliver my denture on time? Why did i took 2 hours just to make a simple restoration on a single tooth?? Why?? Why?? When thought i was okay, i performed, it came out the other way round.. why?
Why things never go the way i planned it to be? Why am i losing myself? Why am i a failure? Why others never seem to be failing but all i have done is failing over and over again? Why??
Why did i i lose my interest to study? Why is it so hard for me to wake up in the morning? Why is it so hard for me to live in this city? Why life has never been good to me ever since i came here? Why was i in dentistry on the first place?? Why am i the only one who keeps failing?
Why do i always lost to love? Why to i always fell in love with the wrong one and ended up hurting myself? Am i a fool? Why my friends takes a shorter time to move on while i still can't move on from my ex that has left me 3 years ago and abandoned me for a girl? Why i got betrayed by someone whom i trust so much? Why do they have a better life than i do???
If only those scars, wound and bruises are visible, you will see them all over my body. You will see this girl is fighting with the monsters inside her, by herself.
But alhamdulillah.. i still have my family, the biggest blessing in my life, and of course my supporting friends.
Hope to be out from here soon.
Why can't i be like anyone else? Why do i seem to be failing in everything i do? Why there isn't one thing that is going the right way in my life except my weight?
Why??? Why can't i have a life like others? Why can't i excel in my studies? Haven't i gave enough effort? But i always get E for effort !
Why is it so hard?? Why i can't become like myself before this? Just, why???? Why can't i be successful like others? Why can't i pass my clinic when everyone does? Why can't i deliver my denture on time? Why did i took 2 hours just to make a simple restoration on a single tooth?? Why?? Why?? When thought i was okay, i performed, it came out the other way round.. why?
Why things never go the way i planned it to be? Why am i losing myself? Why am i a failure? Why others never seem to be failing but all i have done is failing over and over again? Why??
Why did i i lose my interest to study? Why is it so hard for me to wake up in the morning? Why is it so hard for me to live in this city? Why life has never been good to me ever since i came here? Why was i in dentistry on the first place?? Why am i the only one who keeps failing?
Why do i always lost to love? Why to i always fell in love with the wrong one and ended up hurting myself? Am i a fool? Why my friends takes a shorter time to move on while i still can't move on from my ex that has left me 3 years ago and abandoned me for a girl? Why i got betrayed by someone whom i trust so much? Why do they have a better life than i do???
If only those scars, wound and bruises are visible, you will see them all over my body. You will see this girl is fighting with the monsters inside her, by herself.
But alhamdulillah.. i still have my family, the biggest blessing in my life, and of course my supporting friends.
Hope to be out from here soon.
The Monster
So recently, i got diagnosed with major depressive disorder or MDD, and the doctor at Psychiatric Clinic, HKL just started my medication (fluvoxamine 50mg). When i started taking the first dose, i never felt that good in such a long time. I could actually snap myself into reality and actually know what i was doing. It felt so good, and i never felt that good for quite a while. I don't really mind the GI upset and diarrhea afterwards as long as i could actually feel good.
After 24hrs, the medication wears off. I looked forward for the second dose, so after taking it, i was expecting to have the same outcome as yesterday, but it wasn't. I feel like screaming. I actually screamed (but i got my pillow to cover my screaming voice). How it felt was like, i was stumbling.. i was trembling, my heart was racing.. i don't know how to describe it, but it was surely not the effect that i wanted. My doctor did told me that i will feel more depressed than before, so i think was prepared for this..i think.
Here's a thing. I should be getting help sooner. I regret that only now i got the strength to seek help. Why wouldn't i do it sooner?
My fight against the monster inside me is just beginning.. and until this monster is gone, i will fight to my last breath. It has been devouring me for a while now and it affects every single aspect of my life. 2017 was the worst year ever in my life. A lot of things happened but i decided to keep it to myself. I did have some friends to talk about this, but somehow i feel like it's not enough. It helps, but it doesn't help me to fight this monster.
And i guess the only thing i looked forward to is when this monster will be gone for good. I really wish to have my old enthusiastic self back. I need to finish this battle that I started. Bruised, bleed, pain, sprained, broken, i don't care all this. I just want to win this fight.
Now i really understand why suicide is actually an option for people like me. It's not that we don't have friends, or we are somewhat lonely, or we dont have the faith in our religion, it was something else. How do i say it ya? Technically it feels like something is eating your conscious away, and sooner or later, you lose your sanity, and that is when this monster came and told you to just end your life.
Luckily, i'm a muslim, and i belief in Allah. I could fight the thoughts because of what believed in, which refrain me from doing so. Alhamdulillah..
Please pray for me ya ;')
Allah will give the hardest battle to His strongest servant ❤
After 24hrs, the medication wears off. I looked forward for the second dose, so after taking it, i was expecting to have the same outcome as yesterday, but it wasn't. I feel like screaming. I actually screamed (but i got my pillow to cover my screaming voice). How it felt was like, i was stumbling.. i was trembling, my heart was racing.. i don't know how to describe it, but it was surely not the effect that i wanted. My doctor did told me that i will feel more depressed than before, so i think was prepared for this..i think.
Here's a thing. I should be getting help sooner. I regret that only now i got the strength to seek help. Why wouldn't i do it sooner?
My fight against the monster inside me is just beginning.. and until this monster is gone, i will fight to my last breath. It has been devouring me for a while now and it affects every single aspect of my life. 2017 was the worst year ever in my life. A lot of things happened but i decided to keep it to myself. I did have some friends to talk about this, but somehow i feel like it's not enough. It helps, but it doesn't help me to fight this monster.
And i guess the only thing i looked forward to is when this monster will be gone for good. I really wish to have my old enthusiastic self back. I need to finish this battle that I started. Bruised, bleed, pain, sprained, broken, i don't care all this. I just want to win this fight.
Now i really understand why suicide is actually an option for people like me. It's not that we don't have friends, or we are somewhat lonely, or we dont have the faith in our religion, it was something else. How do i say it ya? Technically it feels like something is eating your conscious away, and sooner or later, you lose your sanity, and that is when this monster came and told you to just end your life.
Luckily, i'm a muslim, and i belief in Allah. I could fight the thoughts because of what believed in, which refrain me from doing so. Alhamdulillah..
Please pray for me ya ;')
Allah will give the hardest battle to His strongest servant ❤
Failing, again and again.
To those who are reading this, please know that i'm repeating my semester again.
I'm in agony, but i can't express it.
I need help, but i don't know how to seek it.
I have lost myself, and i have been in a semiconscious state all this while.
I don't even know what i've been doing with my life.
The moment i got snapped from it, it was too late.
..way too late.
I know I should be getting help sooner, but i don't know how.
People said that talking to someone might help me to get through this.
I thank everyone for being really thoughtful, and tried to help me, but I don't know why, I just can't seem to express myself. My real feelings are been masked with this happy, positive vibes that i've been spreading..
Behind that smile, this soul is suffocating, drowning.
I might be saying that i'm fine, i looked fine..
Inside, i'm screaming for help.
I just want my old self back..
I want the old Firzanah that is always been able to enthusiastically get something done.
I missed her, a lot.
There are moments that I felt that i just want to let this pain go away. This pain..is no ordinary pain. This pain, just don't know how to express themselves. They don't have nerves to tell the brain, so they are just there.. So i started hurting myself.
The inside pain is growing and i'm looking forward everyday when will this pain go away. Once i can deal with it, but somehow it grew a lot stronger, and i just don't know how to express it. Physical pain is no match for this. Painkillers can be taken to relief physical pain, but not this pain. Those suicidal thoughts, if its not because of my faith in Islam, i would have been long gone.
I know i have been remain positive throughout the year, but.. i don't even know what i'm doing.
and didn't realize that it has been a year.
i thought i will manage this, until it was too late.
I should get help sooner, but i denied myself.
I'm lucky that i have these friends that understands this.
I just hope that i'll get over this.
I'm in agony, but i can't express it.
I need help, but i don't know how to seek it.
I have lost myself, and i have been in a semiconscious state all this while.
I don't even know what i've been doing with my life.
The moment i got snapped from it, it was too late.
..way too late.
I know I should be getting help sooner, but i don't know how.
People said that talking to someone might help me to get through this.
I thank everyone for being really thoughtful, and tried to help me, but I don't know why, I just can't seem to express myself. My real feelings are been masked with this happy, positive vibes that i've been spreading..
Behind that smile, this soul is suffocating, drowning.
I might be saying that i'm fine, i looked fine..
Inside, i'm screaming for help.
I just want my old self back..
I want the old Firzanah that is always been able to enthusiastically get something done.
I missed her, a lot.
There are moments that I felt that i just want to let this pain go away. This pain..is no ordinary pain. This pain, just don't know how to express themselves. They don't have nerves to tell the brain, so they are just there.. So i started hurting myself.
The inside pain is growing and i'm looking forward everyday when will this pain go away. Once i can deal with it, but somehow it grew a lot stronger, and i just don't know how to express it. Physical pain is no match for this. Painkillers can be taken to relief physical pain, but not this pain. Those suicidal thoughts, if its not because of my faith in Islam, i would have been long gone.
I know i have been remain positive throughout the year, but.. i don't even know what i'm doing.
and didn't realize that it has been a year.
i thought i will manage this, until it was too late.
I should get help sooner, but i denied myself.
I'm lucky that i have these friends that understands this.
I just hope that i'll get over this.
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