Failing, again and again.

To those who are reading this, please know that i'm repeating my semester again.
I'm in agony, but i can't express it.
I need help, but i don't know how to seek it.
I have lost myself, and i have been in a semiconscious state all this while.
I don't even know what i've been doing with my life.
The moment i got snapped from it, it was too late.

..way too late.

I know I should be getting help sooner, but i don't know how.
People said that talking to someone might help me to get through this.
I thank everyone for being really thoughtful, and tried to help me, but I don't know why, I just can't seem to express myself. My real feelings are been masked with this happy, positive vibes that i've been spreading..

Behind that smile, this soul is suffocating, drowning.

I might be saying that i'm fine, i looked fine..
Inside, i'm screaming for help.

I just want my old self back..
I want the old Firzanah that is always been able to enthusiastically get something done.
I missed her, a lot.

There are moments that I felt that i just want to let this pain go away. This pain..is no ordinary pain. This pain, just don't know how to express themselves. They don't have nerves to tell the brain, so they are just there.. So i started hurting myself.

The inside pain is growing and i'm looking forward everyday when will this pain go away. Once i can deal with it, but somehow it grew a lot stronger, and i just don't know how to express it. Physical pain is no match for this. Painkillers can be taken to relief physical pain, but not this pain. Those suicidal thoughts, if its not because of my faith in Islam, i would have been long gone.

I know i have been remain positive throughout the year, but.. i don't even know what i'm doing.

and didn't realize that it has been a year.
i thought i will manage this, until it was too late.
I should get help sooner, but i denied myself.

I'm lucky that i have these friends that understands this.

I just hope that i'll get over this.