The Monster

So recently, i got diagnosed with major depressive disorder or MDD, and the doctor at Psychiatric Clinic, HKL just started my medication (fluvoxamine 50mg). When i started taking the first dose, i never felt that good in such a long time. I could actually snap myself into reality and actually know what i was doing. It felt so good, and i never felt that good for quite a while. I don't really mind the GI upset and diarrhea afterwards as long as i could actually feel good.

After 24hrs, the medication wears off. I looked forward for the second dose, so after taking it, i was expecting to have the same outcome as yesterday, but it wasn't. I feel like screaming. I actually screamed (but i got my pillow to cover my screaming voice). How it felt was like, i was stumbling.. i was trembling, my heart was racing.. i don't know how to describe it, but it was surely not the effect that i wanted. My doctor did told me that i will feel more depressed than before, so i think was prepared for this..i think.

Here's a thing. I should be getting help sooner. I regret that only now i got the strength to seek help. Why wouldn't i do it sooner?

My fight against the monster inside me is just beginning.. and until this monster is gone, i will fight to my last breath. It has been devouring me for a while now and it affects every single aspect of my life. 2017 was the worst year ever in my life. A lot of things happened but i decided to keep it to myself. I did have some friends to talk about this, but somehow i feel like it's not enough. It helps, but it doesn't help me to fight this monster.

And i guess the only thing i looked forward to is when this monster will be gone for good. I really wish to have my old enthusiastic self back. I need to finish this battle that I started. Bruised, bleed, pain, sprained, broken, i don't care all this. I just want to win this fight.

Now i really understand why suicide is actually an option for people like me. It's not that we don't have friends, or we are somewhat lonely, or we dont have the faith in our religion, it was something else. How do i say it ya? Technically it feels like something is eating your conscious away, and sooner or later, you lose your sanity, and that is when this monster came and told you to just end your life.

Luckily, i'm a muslim, and i belief in Allah. I could fight the thoughts because of what believed in, which refrain me from doing so. Alhamdulillah..

Please pray for me ya ;')

Allah will give the hardest battle to His strongest servant ❤