Jgn tidur lepas maghrib hahaha

Ok for the past few weeks, i'm trying to get my body clock back to its proper state..and ada la baca somewhere ni, one way for it to work is to get your body as tired as possibly can and jangan tidur petang..

Sounds hard..serious.
Sleep iz baeeee cmonn

Tapi yeah..sbb insomnia ni makin menjadi2, so i have no choice..if not, mau bangun pagi susah gilak..

So this ptg was raining cats and dogs siap dgn petir lagi..it was sooo sejuk and i want to cuddle dlm comforter jakkkk lepas balik dari kelas tu..tpi fon lagi penting and my fon kebetulan xda bateri and the only socket in my room was 100km away from my bed urgh (sengaja x beli extension sbb nanti mau tidur pun main fon..cthnya skrg haha) so sementara caj fon, i dunno watuduuu.. so i ended up baring2 atas katil and tertidur.. kononnya tidur kejap jak sbb lapar mau makan kuet teow for dinner..i can terbayang wajah kuey teow goreng tu huishh

Bello i came from heaven

I know i can nevee have my dearest wantan ho here, but kuey teow goreng pun bole baa.. ok la drpd teda kan... #kueyteowizbae

Tunggu cerita sedih di akhir post.

K org ckp kan x bagus kan tidur lepas asar kan..well i did worse..aku tidur lepas maghrib hahaha hmm..kononnya laa mau lelap2 mata seja hahahahahahaha sekalinya sampai pkul 10 ya tu..

K back to my dream..
Ok la dlm mimpi ni, i actually mau pegi Dominos sbb baru dapat kupon pizza free hehehe.. so as i was going to cross this street, jalan ni ada like 4 lorong.. each lorong pegi tempat lain2.. aku confident gila mana lorong yg akan pegi Dominos sbb selalu pegi, but somehow, in this dream, aku lupa.. so aku pun main hantam seja la lorong mana pegi Dominos tu..

N kebetulan, one of the lorong is actually shortcut ke klinik kesihatan (klinik yg bangunan like in the 80s tu..mcm klinik ibu dan anak bt 7 dkt mahkamah sandakan tu), so the lorong i choose is lorong ke klinik tu.. and aku nampak ada klinik psikiatri dlm tu (in reality, i am tgh dlm observation psychiatry HKL).. k wtv la..

In that dream jugak, aku rapat gila dgn ling2.. aku confident gila tu ling2 sbb the way i text him mmg bgtu.. mmg we were texting..and sama la in reality, i always blog n cerita psal my ex dkt wsep story.. i dont put dlm igstory sbb i know my ex will read it and i don't want things to be more complicated for him.

Long story short, ling2 start tanya aku..siapa yg aku selalu cerita dkt wasep story tu? Dia pun mau tau jugak siapa lelaki yg aku suka tu (disclaimer: in reality, ling2 knows everything..sseriously) ok part ni i forgot gila did i tell him siapa lelaki tu...tpi seriously, aku rasa aku confident gila i was in a relationship dgn ling2 dlm mimpi tu..it felt so real..and aku confident tu ling2..

Tapi, tiba2 kan.. i was checking my acc balance dkt bank..and ada sth tertulis situ 'for my wife' .. and lots of othet benda2 romantik dlm my bank acc and transactions blablabla..

Then, ada org peluk.. aku tgok org yg peluk aku tu, it was si musbi.. he hugged me..and we were in a room.. then my mom masuk dlm bilik to give sth, then she keluar when she saw the two of us, hugging haha.. masa dia hug tu, i asked him..did he did all that? Dia ka yg transfer semua duit tu? And he said yes..calling me his wife wtv haha.. then i asked him, what happened? He just letak his fingers on my mouth and ckp, you don't have to know..

IT WAS THE BEST DREAM EVER 😭😭😭
Xmau bangun 😭

I know that was all a dream bcz u know sth like dat can never happen in reality, which is y i want to continue dreaming.. then tiba2 my perut meragam and i have to bangun and go eat my dinner..so sad 😢😢 i miss him ou

So, u know, bila baru bangun, the first you check is of coz wat is d timee..and it was 10 pm..sikitt lagi cafe mau tutup..haha..then cek wasep, hafizz sent me link psal the kidnapped bride..k suda..bangun2 seja kena bagi link pasal kawin..then buka ig, the first picture was my friend's wedding photo wth hahhahahahaahhahaaaa.. k..then buka fb, pun samaaaaa kak husna punya gambar kawin pulak..

Urgh fine..kawin dlm mimpi seja la hmm

Ok here's the last bits..

So pijanahh pun pegi cafe utk beli kuey teow.
Kuey teow habis

Sekian.

Nite

Siempre me quadara

If you are wondering what does it means, it means i will always stay.



I don't really know what does it means, of course it literally mean the obvious..but i don't really understand the phrase.

I will always stay? In what way? Observing me from a far while hugging another girl? wow

k quit ranting

back to the main story

6 months ago, i almost, like almost totally get over you.. but guess what happened..
as i was busy working my part-time job, i was waiting for a friend and decided to just view who viewed my Instastory.  And i saw this suspicious account which i may actually know who was it (i'm really particular in seeing who has been viewing my story), and to my surprise, it was you. You want to know how does it feels? Like a bird finally being able to fly free then she realized that her feet was tied to a long string and she just got pulled back to the ground. Then i started to view everything back and it turned to be that you had been stalking me for a while.  All my effort just fell to the drain and i was back to my old state. Sumpah i was really mad that time, but i decided to play along. But yeah, you know me very well and in fact you know me better than i know myself. Finally, you admit that it was you although you had been ignoring my dms all this while.

Ok back to today, what i really wanted to write about.



27 November 2011, somewhere after maghrib.
I gather my strength to ask you the question that has been bothering my mind all the time.
Who am i in your eyes, and i remembered i went to my room after you said 'yes'. I fainted, luckily on my bed hahahaha. Fine it was like this,,childish, i know, but that was how we started..

"Are we in a relationship?"
"Yes, we are"

and i fainted. HAHA

It lasted for 4 years, and i still kept some of our old photos from those days (we dont have a smartphone yet, but somehow we managed to have some pictures together hahaha) Geli mmg geli bila tinguk balik, but yeahh that was us and those were our days hahahahahahahaha

Yes, in our relationship, i was a fool.. i had a lot expectations from you, but then i started to realize that was how i was raised, full of expectations that i have to meet. That's why i was quite disappointed when i realized that you could meet those expectations i had for you. I was being impatient, and it was entirely my fault. I did asked you to wait for another 11 years for us, but i guess i was the one to blame. You hold on too much and you had enough, until you met another one who could really sooth you, support you and shower you with love. While me, i was only able to give you a materialistic kind of love.

The love that i see beyond what you could see.
That love was for your future, for our future. I tried my best to bring the best version of yourself, but i messed up. I was expecting another thing, you were expecting another. At the end of the day, it was toxic for both of us.

18 August 2015, we broke off for good.
2 years later, we maintained our friendship for as good as we could possibly could. But you treated me as you were still into me, and i didn't know that was actually still into you, until i found out about that girl. You could have been honest to me, so that i would stay. You lied, and it tore me apart. So many things happened, i hurt myself twice, countless suicidal thoughts, i literally wanted to die. The only thing that kept restrain me from doing so is the fact that suicide is haram in Islam. At the end of the day, i seek medical help. Alhamdulillah..i helped me a lot. Then Allah sent me some people into my life just to cheer me up and again alhamdulillah, although i'm not fully healed, but i could keep my sanity in my head.

Today, 26 November 2018, while writing this, i could tell that i'm still in love with you. Too many odds are against us, and i know it was nearly impossible for us to end up together. It was so hard for me, for you and for us. It was too hard and i don't have any interest to find another love. You were the last one. It's true there's someone in between, but i know him way superficial and i realize, he's just a trash (ni mmg literally trash..really a trash.. sampai skrg pn aku meluat gila tengok dia,,but for professional reason, i still belum block dia dlm fb nor in any socmed. If only i could do so, it will be good). Fine, enough about that trash.

Coming back to you, i just don't know what to do. I don't even know whether it is okay to let you stalk my life again and again. I just don't know if  you still care about me. But i still do.. a lot. Other than my family and myself, you had been always in my prayers. Everyday, in my daily prayers, i will mention your name, asking Allah to ease whatever you are doing, and to let Him do whats best for both of us.

Yes, i remembered you said you hate seeing someone being hurt because of you. You know, it hurts me a lot seeing you sad but i hurts harder seeing your picture with that girl or anything related with that girl, which is why i never stalk your instagram again and stopped playing Mobile Legend (but i started playing it back bcz cmonnn mana lagi mau lepas geram selain dlm ML omg). I saw your profile, so i know what you wrote. wtv

To tell you the truth, as you can see from my instastory, i don't have anything with Hanafi, or i shall call him Ling2,, why Ling2, refer previous posts. I may have feelings for him, but it was just merely for a friend..like really a friend, and will not cross the boundary. Unlike those feelings i had for you from the beningging of our friendship. It was different. So does my feelings for Hafiz. He was a great friend, and being able to share almost anything with him sometimes really makes me feel at ease. Well, some things you can't really share with others, but i can trust him.

So yeah, 7 years of being in love with you..
Will it change? I don't know.
I guess, i'm the one who should say this.

Siempre me quadara.
Te quiero, mus.

Yuuuhuu 🌱

Minggu IO baru start utk budak2 junior 1st yr FGG ni hahah..and aku tgh baca newspaper ni..tpi news from 18 Sept. 18. Hahahahhahahah yes mmg outdated sikit..tpi itu seja yg ada..cuma yg belak ni, the first 10 pages semua pasal politik, Langkah PD blablabla.. haihh aku sbnarnya sgat la x faham apa yg penyokong PKR ni tgok..aku nampak yg dorg perjuangkan tu mmg utk DSAI seja.. bapak aa.. aku harap la PAS menang dkt PD nanti lewlz tolong la jgn bagi DSAI mng hahahah.. idk la..aku mmg x suka dia dari zaman tun M lagi.. haha

K enuf rant abt that 😂

Haritu kan, skipped my medicine for 3 nights..omg aku ingat mcm ok la apa la sgt withdrawal symptoms tu paling2 pun selesma jak.. HAHAHA I WAS SO WRONGGGGG ! I wasn't only common cold ya ladies and gentlemen.. masa tu rasa pening gila tpi mkn pcm pun x jalan.. recurrent nightmares yg sampai aku rasa mcm tgh hidup dlm thriller movie.. aku x dapat bezakan realiti dgn mimpi.. ee seram la.. i i dont like it.. k menyesal suda..pasni aku makan ubat hahaha.. cuma nasib baik dia x kacau sleep cycle ku..

But idk sampai bila i'll be depending on this drug.. biarlah.. as long as i could feel what others can feel hahaah 💕

Last few days, x ingat la bila, i talked to eva abt sth.. abt my feelings.. siapa ling2 d mata ku? Siapa c darwis ? Ok now that i made it clear dgn feeling ku, aku rasa lebih safe..

Ling2, mmg la my actions shows that i like him..true..aku mmg suka dia..tpi more to as a friend..a good friend.. somehow aku x bole tengok dia beyond that although kdg dtg jugak kilik2 ku..but i don't really mean that.. aku rasa mcm budak2 pulak bila dgn dia ni haha 😂 i wish to stay like that long2 one ouu..

Darwis. HIS VOICE IS LIKE OMG..other than kurt hugo Schneider, aku mmg x layan cover lagu2 lain.. his voice mmg dreamy ou ou sam aku bole tidur just by listening them. Hmm idk la feeling aku sma c dar tu, suka tu suka jugak..tpi mainly sbb dia pandai nyanyi (omg shud i post another post just to puji your singing) haiya.. otherwise hmmm.. logicly, he is the only lelaki in my life yg aku rasa possible utk pass ujian abah utk jdi menantu cehh. Hahahahaha.. dia cukup pakej ou and i like the fact that dia pun suka kucing hehehehehe.. setakat gigi dia tu, pemanis ba tu 🙈 aku start terharu dgn dia tu yg masa dia sanggup turun p bawah kolong masa d ruma c suri just to take my sijil yg terjatuh di bawa angin.. k tu jak mau ckp psal dia..nda mau lebih2 sbb dia pun ada someone suda..so yeah 🤖

As for me, aku sbnarnya takut n trauma to like someone lagi.. so skrg aku enjoy jak..siapa d depan mata ku, aku akan hargai..klu satu hati Allah akan tarik dia balik, then i should prepare myself for that la..aku tau one day Allah akan tarik ling2 from me , tpi sbenarnya kan..aku sgt berharap aku dapat bantu ling2.. as many way as possible..tpi aku x kenal sgat ling2, tapi aku x jugak mau tanya dia so many things..just biar la klu dia sendiri mau cerita, then go ahead.. aku harap ada la sth dlm hidup ling2 yg aku bole bring good.. anything.. sbb dia suda jdi asbab utk aku rasa tersangat la happy skrg sampai org ckp aku tgh bercinta haha.. well surprise everyone ! 😂 I'm not and not even close pun to bercinta (well ada juga la some pple tnya whether ling2 and i are having sth, but the fact is we r not ok)

Ok toodles !

Hai ling ❤

Ling..cakap la apa kau cakap..obses ka apa watever la.. tapi aku warn awal2 kau mmg akan geli bila baca ni.

Tpi urghh watever annoying cemana pun sekali kau, i want to thank you for being the annoying dude in my life. Ok aku mau terus terang la ling..

Yeah aku tau probably kau pun annoyed dgn aku, well hahaha kau pikir aku kesah ka 🙄 selagi kau hidup, selagi tu la aku hantui kau hahaha..

Malas la mau bsweet2 ni..tpi aku mau jugak buat biarpun aku type ni sambil bulu2 roma ku meremang sbb geli hahaha puii

Napi..thank your for these past few weeks. Thank you sbb selalu ada di hujung wasep. Tapi paling penting..thank you for making me believe that i could smile and be happy again. Yes, after those traumatic painful events (oh bukan sbb ex ku jak ya..byk lagi happened but i won't share with you lagi..ckup psal dia jak kau tau). Aku selalu try cari that person yg bole wake me up from this nightmare..and aku x sangka org tu kau hahahaha..tpi probably, kau ni pun another nightmare jugak.  Masalahnya kan, aku pun xtau dari ceruk mana tiba2 kau bole muncul balik dalam hidup ku.. aku ingat lepas SPM tu, tu jak la.. that's it. Then all of a sudden, uina, stiap malam ba ni aku wish gudnite sma kau hahahaha. Oh oyasumi tu maksud dia goodnight ya ling..

Aku sebenarnya xtau brp lama Allah akan pinjamkan kau dalam hidup ku ni..probably sampai hujung bulan or bila2 la haha.. Selagi mana Allah masih pinjam kan kau dalam hidupku, aku akan cherish kau sehabis n seboleh yg aku possibly can..ada banyak benda yg aku mau share dgn kau..tpi aku faham dgn rutin mu..aku xmau kacau..especially bila kau tgh main game hahahaha..yer aku faham tu bila kau tgh war tiba2 kena call..bole bikin begaduh tu 😂

Oh ada tu satu kali masa aku jealous kau ada someone tu, and kau tanya aku "Mksd mu pisang brbuah dua kli, apa kao mau jtuh hti lg?" Yes ling..aku takut. Aku takut sangat kalau aku jatuh hati dgn kau..aku takut sangat.. sumpah. Tpi at some point, aku rasa selamat.. aku takut bukan sbb our background, tpi sbb aku suda pernah syg org sehabis sayang suda..tpi at the end..wasted. Buang laut ba bilang.

Aku sejujurnya, sgat la mau avoid ckp psal our past. Aku xmau tau psal hidup mu yg dulu, and aku xmau cerita psal past ku. What's done is done, and that's it. Mcm kau cakap la..bila jatuh, buka chapter baru.. baru skrg ni aku rasa betul2 bole move on.

Aku pun bingung aku ni sbenarnya suka kau ka or aku just suka kau being around sbb kau melayan kilik ku..haha idk..whatever

Ok last but not least. Thank you ling2 sbb bagi aku panggil ling2 hahahah..and selalu layan kilik ku ;) thank you ling ❤ kbaii

Aku teda crush or someone or whatever you called it lol k. Harap maklum. Haha motiff sgat aku ksitau benda ni sama kau haha..

"Dan nikmat Tuhanmu yang manakah kau hendak dustakan?"

Last weekend was a very long weekend.. and Hari Malaysia too.. idk la..tahun ni i felt a little bit different abt Hari Malaysia. As if like, finally everyone knows the importance of Hari Malaysia to us Malaysians (especially Sabah & Sarawak people). What happened to Malaysia Agreements 1963 that was signed between Sabah, Sarawak and Singapore that time.. cuma 2 yrs later, Singapore decided to be a free country of their own, and i think it was their best decision ever..

Kadang, i'm battling with myself. Part of me still wanted Sabah to be part ot Malaysia, but seeing the injustice that we have been facing for 55 yrs, dgn the outmost difference in modernization..i feel like, rugi. Sabah has too much to offer tapi all that went to a single place that hmm tiba2 with no natural sources, tiba2 jadi kaya. As if like, kami ni kena jajah. Yeah. That's what we are experiencing.

The freedom in thinking, the socioeconomy, the opportunities..semua mcm lebih kpd org dkt semenanjung compared to Sabah and Sarawak. And i'm so jealous dgn Sarawakians sbb dorg ada ex-ketua menteri yg can say macam harimau. He was so fierce and tegas, at the end of the day, sarawak got what they deserve especially on oil.

Sabah? Hmm.. having to write this pun, is devastating. Ok i'm not going to cakap psal education, let's go to the most basic necessities you need to have to actually exist; identity card.

You might have shelter, you might have all the necessity to live, but the that little rectangular card is going to decide how you live. What right you have as and individual..or else, you will be denied for everything ! One day, to even live pun, you need that. You have no idea how Sabahans is really struggling with this. Bukannya dorg pendatang asing pun.. they are actually locals, cuma tau la org dulu2 ni mana tau psal benda begini.. org dulu tinggal dkt estet, pedalaman, yg susah mau di reach ba..and they don't know what to do..

Tapi yang paaaling aku sedih is abt infrastructure. X payah tgok jauh2 la..just go to Sandakan Airport. Sumpah, kalau flight pagi2 yg pukul 9 sampai Sdk kan, especially MAS la..susah mau cari local ppl.. mostly foreigners sampai to the point masa i arrived, ingatkan ada dkt foreign land sbb ramai gilaa blondies hahahaha.. masa tgh tggu flight pun kena tgok skrin byk kali takut tersalah flight. Semua blondies pulak tu of coz la haha. Haha banyak pulak termembebel psl ni lol. K fine..my point is, Sandakan Airport should be upgrad to Sandakan International Airport.. flight dari Taiwan should land here..sbb ramai gilaa org dari sana datang sini..huarghh..

Pastu few days ago mcm update la dgn mumblers psal isu borneo comrad tu (fineee asrin kawan c pendy tu was one of them wth).. betul suda tu apa dorg perjuangkan, tpi cara dorg salah.. tpi hopefully benda ni akan buka mata org keliling la especially org mcm aku ni yg jadi student di semenanjung.. klu bukan kita sepa lagi ou..

Hmm tu jak la mau bebel..actually mau bebel psal class today, but banyak isu pulak sekali up psal hari malaysia ni hm


Ok doakan urusan ling2 and semua org yg tgh dlm desperation dipermudahkan yaa.. 💕

Toodles, and happy early birthday to me ;3

The Only Exception

Okay today start suda new sem (or shud i say old sem for me).. back to year 3 balik..well not bad jugak la sbb hmm idk.. aku somehow boleh accept things for real suda.. mcm telampau redha and pasrah seja sama apa yang berlaku to me lately.. tu la org ckp jgn main dgn api nanti terbakar..haha lol teda kaitan k :3

it started out well..yalah even aku jak yg repeat tahun pun, but it wasn't that bad at all..still jumpa akk2 DSA yg byk tolong aku especially kak izan yg byk tolong bagi chair masa hari2 kritikal.. mau buat cemana, klu Allah mmg ckp bukan rezeki, bukan la tu rezeki ku. Usaha la cemana skli pun, if it's not meant to be, it will not be.

Aku belajar sesuatu dari semua ni.. Ling2 pernah cakap "Jangan pernah salahkan takdir.. n jgn kasi biar "kalau laa dulu, kalau laaa" ". Aku sentap kejap.. belum pernah lagi org ckp bgitu sama aku.. mmg la wina ada juga ckp benda yg sama..tpi aku rasa mcm x menyentap pulak.. skli ling2 yg ckp bgitu, baru aku tersedar sikit. yalah mmg la maksud dia tu psal c musbi..but somehow masa dia ckp tu kan, is exactly apa yg aku mau dgr.. org kata perfect timing la.. and then i get to know him more.. dia punya lifestyle, dugaan hidup dia.. aku rasa dugaan dia lagi besar dari apa yg aku hadap ni.. kecik seja ba ni masalah ku., yg penting buang seja org2 toksik dari hidup ku ni.. buang seja dorg for good insyaAllah settle my problem. as for him, it was bigger than that..even masa aku tulis ni pun, aku x habis fikir lagi..

aku impressed gila how dia handle masalah dia tu.. yalah maybe still jajal2 jugak la tapi dia buat mcm benda tu kecil seja..tpi bila kau fikir balik,, Allahu.. aku xtau cemana dia bole jadi sekuat tu.. dia sangat kuat la sumpah.. kalau aku jadi dia ni, mmg aku suru parents ku ksi kawin aku jak..nasib aku perempuan..klu dia? mana boleh.. arghh aku menaip sambil fikir ni pun stress aish !

And you dont meet people by accident. Aku percaya benda ni. Bila aku fikir balik kan, aku xtau how did me and ling2 end up rapat and how did i ended up panggil dia ling2 hahahaha (sorryy,,tapi comel sangat la ling2 tu..sis kenot) and aku jumpa dia dkt the very right moment.. well not exactly jumpa la..cmon la we've known each other since 2011 hahaha (7 years? 😁) arghh read abt him la dkt previous post,.and NO WE ARE NOT DATING. I don't have a crush on him and so does him. again.. WE ARE NOT IN LOVE, DATING OR BLABLABLA LOVEY DOVEY STUFFS tu noo we are not !

fine.. enuf laa abt ling2.. suda la panggil org ayam tadi.,. eee 😒😒😒 

actually kan, aku malas mau post psal benda2 dental or study stuffs dlm sini.. expressing them buat aku tambah stress pulak.. hahaha.. but i would like to thank all those people yg bagi support dgn aku throughout this time..insyaAllah. i'll come back stronger..

X semua benda di dunia ni jadi atas kehendak kita. Jangan pernah salahkan takdir. Once you accept how things are meant to be, then that is when you'll be happy with what Allah has gave you. Take a deep breath and be happy !  💗💗💗 insyaAllah things will work out well.. insyaAllah fir ! believe in yourself !

esok aku ada appointment dgn psy, so let's see la how it goes.. to be honest, aku sebenarnya takut bila aku stop makan pill tu, depression ku akan dtg balik.. skrg ni pun dia ok sbb meds tu and of coz sbb ling2 ada with me.. ling2 yg bagi motivation supaya x makan pill lagi. tapi what if one day ling2 left me again? than that'll be sangatlah ugly and hmm.. astaghfirullah firzanah !

ingat ! ingat ! ingat ! tangan yang berpaut pada hati manusia akan jatuh, tapi tangan yang berpaut pada Allah xkan pernah tersungkur ! ingat tu.. Allah akan hadirkan dia kejap jak tu fir..one day he'll leave like how things are leaving you behind.. Allah yang bagi semua ni fir.. 

insyaAllah..i can do this !👍👍👍✊✊✊

Cruella DeVille

Actually i don't know sebenarnya story mu ni utk siapa.. tpi i have the feeling yg this is partly for me.. sbb kau pernah cakap benda ni dgn aku masa 28 Nov. 2017 dulu.. kau ckp benda yg sama..

I tell you what. Yes, you are cruel. You were cruel enough to lie to me and bagi aku harapan bila last2 kau sendiri yg buang aku dari hidupmu gara2 seorang perempuan.

Yes, mmg kawan2 ku sendiri ckp kau suda bahagia and berjaya skrg, padahal aku di sini kena makan antidepressants just to keep myself sane.. org sampai ingat aku xda effort mau happy balik..macam2 aku try ya.. last2 kesengsaraan ku tengok kau bahagia makan diriku sendiri.  Aku kena repeat tahun lagi. even kawan aku sendiri ckp, kalau dorg jadi aku, dorg pun xtau cemana mau jadi kuat. Tpi itulah, setiap org ada ujian dan dugaan masing2 kan..

Kau mmg cruel. Buat apa juga kau still mau intip hidup ku lepas kau sendiri buang aku? Kau tau ka not even a single day in my life that i go on without remembering and missing you. Sebelum aku tidur, every night, aku akan ingat kau. Benda tu jdi lebih teruk sbb aku dapat tau kau stalk aku start dari bulan 5.  Aku berusaha utk anggap kau suda mati, tiada di dunia ni..then kau tiba2 muncul..cemana ba aku mau move on ya? Kau mmg kejam !!

Skrg ni, yes aku admit aku happy. Tau ka di saat aku suda give up segalanya kan, Allah send someone for me to make me forget pasal semua ni.. aku tau one day Allah akan tarik dia balik dari hidup ku, and until that day come..aku akan cherish dia mcm mna aku cuba utk cherish kau masa aku merayu melutut dgn kau dulu.

Aku masih ingat lagi kek batik yg aku buat khas utk kau dulu tapi kau x pandang or cuba sikit pun.. alasan mu sbb kau x makan benda manis.. segar lagi benda tu di fikiran ku.. and alhamdulillah aku suda counterback memory pahit tu.. i made him some cheesetart and dia ckp cheesetart tu sedap.. aku sangat happy yaa dia ckp bgitu even cheesetart ku tym tu sgat jelek and aku sebenarnya malu mau kasi dia..tpi dia tetap makan and berabis ckp tq dgn aku.. that little thing seja dia buat tpi dia naikkan semangat ku utk rasa bahagia..

No, aku belum sampai ke tahap aku suka dia.. he's just the person yg Allah htr dlm hidupku utk aku percaya yg aku pun masih boleh bahagia.. dia bawa aku senyum balik bila mana aku ingat aku x bole senyum suda.. pernah kawan aku rakam aku tym tgh ckp dgn dia and i can feel muka ku sgat happy and glowing.. aku rasa lama gila aku  x sehappy tu ya..

And aku mmg xkan ada rship dgn dia sbb aku takut pisang berbuah dua kali. Cukup dgn kau aku korbankan segalanya last2 kau buang aku sbb seorang perempuan.

Semoga kau pun bahagia dgn dia..birthday ku nanti anniversary kamu kan? Tahniah la.

Bye

To Ling2

Dearest ling2..

I know it's only been a while, but thank you for existing in my life ya..

Ling2.. i don't know how to put this, but i'm so glad to have you in my life. It's like you are bringing sunshine to my world when i thought it'll never appear again. You made me smile when i thought i couldn't smile again..

Kau tau ka ling2 ? Semenjak kau datang dlm hidup ku kan, i started to found myself again. Aku start bangun balik dari the jail that i've been trapped in. And aku pun xtau from where d hell you showed up.. mcm telampau random ba..padahal aku x cari kau pun..and now kau adalah org yg paling aku cari and look forward to everyday. As if like, esok aku akan jumpa kau lagi, lagi, lagi dan lagi..

Aku pun xtau ling2 whether aku suka kau or x sebenarnya.. but aku happy sgt2 bila dgn kau.. yes ling2.. ini la yg aku cari..aku ingatkan bila aku dgn c mus getback dulu, i tot i will be happy tpi aku x pernah rasa sehappy ini..

And i realized aku jadi bahagia begini bila aku start suda baking balik.. sumpah aku lama gila x rasa kepuasan bila baking yaa.. dulu yes aku rasa puas gila tpi after some unfortunate events came, passion tu hilang sikit demi sikit.. then you showed up in my life, and brought light into me back..

Aku pernah try mau cari pengganti c mus dlm hati ku or just to find someone utk bawa aku bahagia balik.. aku start rapat dgn c hafiz amat, go to random blind date..but none of it works.. si hafiz aku mmg x boleh go.. mcm teda click aku rasa..cukup bila dia boleh jadi telinga ku seja..sbb aku rasa mau ada org dgr luahan ku.. and aku xmau sembarang org..tpi sampai situ jak la.. aku bukan mau guna2 kan c hafiz, but that's how i see him.. mmg itu la dia di mata ku..

Where as you ling2.. you are different.. aku x fikir pun psal c mus bila dgn kau.. aku boleh lupa utk makan ubat just bila kau wish goodnight to me.. and i feel so complete bila kau wish morning dgn aku.. mmg la aku sometimes ckp psal c mus dgn kau..tpi the truth is, i forced myself to talk abt him to you..sbb aku mau tau cemana perasaan ku bila aku ckp psal dia dgn kau.. it turned to be, aku x suka. I don't like ckp psal dia dgn kau sbb aku rasa buang masa. Bagus lagi aku merepek2 dgn kau pastu kau pun melayan jugak hahahah

Ling2, i'm not saying i like you.. aku pun xtau aku suka kau or not..serious aku xtau..tpi the crush yg aku keep mentioning to you is actually you. Cuma yalah..crush tu crush aja deh hahaha mcm kau crush dgn hayley william la kan hahah lol

But i'm so going to panggil kau ling2 sampai idk..sampai either one of us ada special someone hahaha

Oh anyway..aku sbenarnya takut mau suka kau ling2.. aku tau kau pun anggap aku kawan and so do i. Aku takut sgat bila aku suka dgn kau or vice versa sbb only akan ada 2 ending jak.. either we will end up happy together or kita akan bermusuh sampai bila2.. aku xmau ambil risiko for either one so thats y aku stick to kawan jak dgn kau even aku panggil kau ling2..

Oh..and ling2 tu sebenarnya maksud dia 'darling', bukan keling yaa.. x sampai hati aku panggil org begitu haha so racist.. but because you are so dear to me, hence, ling2.. hehehe

Ok ling2.. pls la..pls stay in my life sampai bila2 💕

Little to not over you

11 years after 2011

Please come, dear rainbow 🌈

It's been hot in Malaysia recently. I safely arrived home last Monday with my stuffs yg for others xda la banyak sangat, but for me that was a hell lot of stuffs wahaha.. rasa mcm hoarders pun ada.. pstu bila my sisters tanya2 barang apa semua tu and if they can have if, i was like "alamak, semua tu barang orang bagi. i brought it home so that i can store them properly..ended up my sisters yg ambik pulak hahaha"

Well, other man's trash is another man's treasure 😂

Speaking of trash, aku rasa aku ni trash sgat la weh. I need to take pills just to keep myself happy.. rasanya? Pathetic ! So pathetic !!

Dear ex (oh wait i need to mention your full name here, manatau dia tiba2 terajin mau Google nama dia ka.. at least bole la dia terbaca..lagi best klu gf dia yg baca fufufu)

Dear S Musbifamirwin bin Mustapa.
Congratulations for ruining my life. Congratulations for being happy.. and congratulations for getting what you always wanted. Oh pls do know yg aku tau u've been stalking me on Instagram lately. I'm not that stupid ya. Klu ya pun mau stalk, u don't have to show your phone number ok. Semua org ada smart phone, and you know what that means. Kau ni kan, aku mau suda hampir2 berjaya lupakan kau..sampai aku kena ambik antidepressants just to keep myself sane.

Kau tau ka apa yg aku perlu tempuh just to forget you? I have to lie. Convincing myself that you are dead. Kubur kau ada sana dekat Jalan Aman. Every night before aku tidur, aku akan imagine kau dekat deathbed, or tiba2 ada member call ckp kau tgh kritikal di hospital, mau jalan suda.. or kau mati eksiden.. or tiba2 kau lumpuh. Yg lumpuh tu ok lagi sbb aku sanggup jaga kau if kau ditakdirkan lumpuh..tu pun klu kau sanggup terima aku balik la dalam hidupmu..

Aku bukan doa yg bukan2.. tpi for me this is the only way yg aku kena buat other than ambik tu antidepressants just to keep my sanity in place. Kau xtau how messed up hidup aku lepas kau buang aku gara2 seorang wanita after what i have done for you. Mau maki pun nda cukup ouu.. teda makian yg setanding betapa shitnya kau masa tu.

Sampai ke tahap mcm tu sekali ya aku kena buat. Sampai ke tahap mcm tu..up to you la klu mau judge and ckp "ala just find another one laa".. tau ka aku kena ambik masa setahun just to betul2 fell in love dgn dia before we declare ourselves. Yes, crush to sekelip mata jak bole crush..tpi to really to be in love with someone, not as easy as that. Yaa bertuah la kau sbb in just a month, u found my replacement..on my birthday pulak tu.. haaa tepok laa gais tepookkkk !

Is it fair?
Org2 yg buat aku begini are happy dgn hidup dorg sekarang..
While aku? Kena ambik pil just to be happy.

Hmm biarlah.

Allah tengah uji ni..
Sabar sikit ya zana..

InsyaAllah..we'll get through this !

Expecting the Unexpected

Yesterday, my friend gave me something to ponder about. Being alone vs being lonely.

I know that i'm kind of a lone ranger person, because i find it is more tolerable for me to do what I want to do, without having to menyusahkan anyone. Like, i like going to a random and cheap trips alone because some of my friends might not be comfortable with the way i do things bcz i'm a very independent person. Despite all that, i don't fancy being lonely, i guess nobody does..

So, i scrolled through the link that my friend shared to me via WhatsApp, and it was only just scanning through the articles because i might have a big idea of what the writer wanted to say.  So i asked my friend back;

Why does he feels lonely?

At some point of our lives, we will feel this kind of loneliness, and it's actually part of signs of maturity. You take some time to just know yourself better, because you only have you. Why bother asking people to judge you when you could actually judge yourself and reflect about it. Try to improve those imperfections that you have and focus more on developing those qualities that you want as a person.

For my friend here, it was another thing. I asked him how does he mingles around his friends, and he told me that he prefers to put on his earphone, scrolling his phone when he was together with his friend. This is what i don't like about having a smart phone. You dive into the virtual world without having to actually appreciate the reality in front, and the end of the day, you just feel alone because you thought that your world only revolves around you. As if that you are the centre of the uniberse.

There is a lot of things to be grateful about in this world, and being lonely is one of the thing that we should be grateful for. Me myself feel lonely at some points of my life, but i take it like Allah is giving me a time off from the people around me so that i could focus on myself. It's like, you are isolating yourself from the people around and started to look things on a different perspective. For example, your friends. How would you survive this cruel world without them? You have a home to miss everyday while you are away, you have a reason to smile even if it was only because of a lame joke. These are the little things that we should really be grateful of.

Do know that Allah set you up in that loneliness is for you to reflect and to be grateful more with you currently have and had.

But if you are feeling too lonely and depressed, do get some help. Because it might be from a pathological cause.

Well, what do you expect from a girl that took pills just to keep herself happy?

❤

The Happy Pills

Alhamdulillah..lately i'm feeling good about myself. I think baru skrg i can feel that my medication is giving effect towards my brain chemistry ceh..

Yeah, i still thought about my ex, a lot.. but it doesn't reach to the point that will make me rant over it. Not like the other previous nights. It feels so good weh, alhamdulillah.. i wish to have this great feeling longer..

Or perhaps, it's just because professional exam is over and i'm not suppose to be stressed out because of it.. idk.. perhaps thats one the contributing factor, but not the trigger. I just wish that no one will ever mention anything about my ex ever again.. it's okay if i'm the one who's going to mention, but not anyone that is connected to him shall do so. For me he's dead, and that is the only way that could convince myself to get over him, because he's not here in this world anymore. But, if anyone who is connected to him were to say something or update anything about him to me, that will just tumble down the fort that i've been building all this while to keep my sanity in its place.

So, this evening, i went out with Aiza. It was a totally random thing that we did because initially, we were just going out for some laksa with Sabrina before she goes back home tonight. Then suddenly, Aiza out of the blue, wanted to go out. Haha i was wearing my selipar toilet and nasib baik i actually wear soemthing proper hahaha.

We went out to Quill Mall lah, have some nice long chat over some iced mocha and thai green tea. Then we opened up a bit about our current relationship status. Although she's dating our junior, but she said that she no longer longs for her first love, unlike in her previous relationships. I guess, that's one point of maturity reached. While me, it's not like I'm not trying to love again, it's just that, i haven't find someone that could reach that part of my heart that me myself couldn't. Hard, i know, but i know he's somewhere out there.

Okay, i know now i'm actually quite close with this friend, but idk. At one point it's fun talking to him, but i just don't feel like it's going to be more than just a friend. Not even a special friend, like i once considered Musbi when we were getting to know each other.

Omg Musbi what have you freakin done to my heart ?

You broke it so hard sampai i couldn't remember the feeling of being in love.

Fine, lantak la kau sana. You are dead, there is no way to bring you back to live.

As for me, i may continue to build up this wall for my heart, until i found whoever is strong and worthy enough to open the door the the castle lol hahaha punya minta puji 😂


Anyway, Kak Husna, Najah and Athira Azyan are getting married ! Yeayy congratulations to them ❤

Okey, may Firzanah pun will find her own happy ending with that will make her closer to Allah hehehe

Always - Bon Jovi

At this moment, I miss you so much.. i just don't know why all those memories about us are coming back to me now.. i miss them..

I just don't know what to do now.. i miss you a lot.. aku masih ingat lagi our times when we danced in the rain, sharing the same umbrella, me picking your jerawat, your teasings sebab suka tarik my tali bra (dem you)..

I know are happy with your life now, while me, i have to take pills to keep myself sane. I don't know..

I just miss you so much dear..

But i need to move on from you..
You will always be here, in the deep trench of my heart..

Well there ain't no luck in this loaded dice
Baby if you give just one more chance
We could pack our old dreams and our old life
We'll find a place, where the sun still shines
And i will love you..always

Seeking the rainbow after a storm

I just hate myself.

Why can't i be like anyone else? Why do i seem to be failing in everything i do? Why there isn't one thing that is going the right way in my life except my weight?

Why??? Why can't i have a life like others? Why can't i excel in my studies? Haven't i gave enough effort? But i always get E for effort !

Why is it so hard?? Why i can't become like myself before this? Just, why???? Why can't i be successful like others? Why can't i pass my clinic when everyone does? Why can't i deliver my denture on time? Why did i took 2 hours just to make a simple restoration on a single tooth?? Why?? Why?? When thought i was okay, i performed, it came out the other way round.. why?

Why things never go the way i planned it to be? Why am i losing myself? Why am i a failure? Why others never seem to be failing but all i have done is failing over and over again? Why??

Why did i i lose my interest to study? Why is it so hard for me to wake up in the morning? Why is it so hard for me to live in this city? Why life has never been good to me ever since i came here? Why was i in dentistry on the first place?? Why am i the only one who keeps failing?

Why do i always lost to love? Why to i always fell in love with the wrong one and ended up hurting myself? Am i a fool? Why my friends takes a shorter time to move on while i still can't move on from my ex that has left me 3 years ago and abandoned me for a girl? Why i got betrayed by someone whom i trust so much? Why do they have a better life than i do???

If only those scars, wound and bruises are visible, you will see them all over my body. You will see this girl is fighting with the monsters inside her, by herself.

But alhamdulillah.. i still have my family, the biggest blessing in my life, and of course my supporting friends.

Hope to be out from here soon.

The Monster

So recently, i got diagnosed with major depressive disorder or MDD, and the doctor at Psychiatric Clinic, HKL just started my medication (fluvoxamine 50mg). When i started taking the first dose, i never felt that good in such a long time. I could actually snap myself into reality and actually know what i was doing. It felt so good, and i never felt that good for quite a while. I don't really mind the GI upset and diarrhea afterwards as long as i could actually feel good.

After 24hrs, the medication wears off. I looked forward for the second dose, so after taking it, i was expecting to have the same outcome as yesterday, but it wasn't. I feel like screaming. I actually screamed (but i got my pillow to cover my screaming voice). How it felt was like, i was stumbling.. i was trembling, my heart was racing.. i don't know how to describe it, but it was surely not the effect that i wanted. My doctor did told me that i will feel more depressed than before, so i think was prepared for this..i think.

Here's a thing. I should be getting help sooner. I regret that only now i got the strength to seek help. Why wouldn't i do it sooner?

My fight against the monster inside me is just beginning.. and until this monster is gone, i will fight to my last breath. It has been devouring me for a while now and it affects every single aspect of my life. 2017 was the worst year ever in my life. A lot of things happened but i decided to keep it to myself. I did have some friends to talk about this, but somehow i feel like it's not enough. It helps, but it doesn't help me to fight this monster.

And i guess the only thing i looked forward to is when this monster will be gone for good. I really wish to have my old enthusiastic self back. I need to finish this battle that I started. Bruised, bleed, pain, sprained, broken, i don't care all this. I just want to win this fight.

Now i really understand why suicide is actually an option for people like me. It's not that we don't have friends, or we are somewhat lonely, or we dont have the faith in our religion, it was something else. How do i say it ya? Technically it feels like something is eating your conscious away, and sooner or later, you lose your sanity, and that is when this monster came and told you to just end your life.

Luckily, i'm a muslim, and i belief in Allah. I could fight the thoughts because of what believed in, which refrain me from doing so. Alhamdulillah..

Please pray for me ya ;')

Allah will give the hardest battle to His strongest servant ❤

Failing, again and again.

To those who are reading this, please know that i'm repeating my semester again.
I'm in agony, but i can't express it.
I need help, but i don't know how to seek it.
I have lost myself, and i have been in a semiconscious state all this while.
I don't even know what i've been doing with my life.
The moment i got snapped from it, it was too late.

..way too late.

I know I should be getting help sooner, but i don't know how.
People said that talking to someone might help me to get through this.
I thank everyone for being really thoughtful, and tried to help me, but I don't know why, I just can't seem to express myself. My real feelings are been masked with this happy, positive vibes that i've been spreading..

Behind that smile, this soul is suffocating, drowning.

I might be saying that i'm fine, i looked fine..
Inside, i'm screaming for help.

I just want my old self back..
I want the old Firzanah that is always been able to enthusiastically get something done.
I missed her, a lot.

There are moments that I felt that i just want to let this pain go away. This pain..is no ordinary pain. This pain, just don't know how to express themselves. They don't have nerves to tell the brain, so they are just there.. So i started hurting myself.

The inside pain is growing and i'm looking forward everyday when will this pain go away. Once i can deal with it, but somehow it grew a lot stronger, and i just don't know how to express it. Physical pain is no match for this. Painkillers can be taken to relief physical pain, but not this pain. Those suicidal thoughts, if its not because of my faith in Islam, i would have been long gone.

I know i have been remain positive throughout the year, but.. i don't even know what i'm doing.

and didn't realize that it has been a year.
i thought i will manage this, until it was too late.
I should get help sooner, but i denied myself.

I'm lucky that i have these friends that understands this.

I just hope that i'll get over this.

An Obsessive Kind of Love

I guess most of the people in this world agree that you can be obsessive when it comes to love, be it your love for your family, cars, cats, your job..anything.. and you tend to do anything to obtain something that you love

but sometimes, to love is to let go..

i encountered a quote posted by my friend via WhatsApp status, which sounded like this;

When Allah shows you it's time to let someone go but you refused to, He will allow the person to hurt you to the point you have no choice but to let go..

it's true, i refused to let go someone that meant a lot to me, but i was just history for him. i have no choice but to let him go and just move on with life,

i don't know what the future will hold for us. will we be able to meet again? i don't  know and i leave everything to Allah.. He knows what is the best for the both of us.. but i can't deny that i really am longing for someone to love. i've been reminiscing our memories a lot, almost every day for these past few weeks. 

why do we tend to be obsessive when it comes to love? you could even become an idiot for chasing something unrequited, which obviously a form of demolition. 

i don't know, love can be very mysterious. 

A desired future

A few days ago, i encountered someone's bucket list of what they want to achieve in the next 5 years. I was really impressed because she actually achieved everything. She became a successful entrepreneur, own a condominium in the middle of KL, owns an MPV along with a driver and married the love of her life before both of them became famous. It was really inspiring.

So, i reflected myself, how do i see myself in 5 years?

It was just a simple question for me to ponder. Back in my school days, i was really ambitious. I tend to think what will I be having after I had my SPM. Simple, I want to get all A's, apply for a scholarship to study dentistry abroad.

I know scientifically, this quote is wrong because you reach the moon first then you'll reach the stars. The stars are bigger than the Earth's moon okay.

So yeah, i aimed for the moon. I aimed the best target that I can hit. But Allah is always the best planner. I missed the moon, so landed on a star. I didn't manage get all A's in my SPM (Chemistry urgh), and obviously I didn't got the chance to study dentistry abroad. It was frustrating and I told myself that I don't want to enter matriculation. I'd rather have my STPM because I really want to study abroad. Well, not only because my boyfriend and my bestfriend are in STPM, but because I can't seem to convince myself that I'd be able to go further with matriculation.

Then again, Allah is always the best planner.

After weeks of consulting, praying, frustrating that I didn't get any of my choice (STPM or PASUM), then I decided to accept matriculation. 

And that's where my true life really begins.

I studied really hard (I even became a tutor for my classmates), I was one of the brightest student in class, i met my first love, i broke up with my ex, i got a very terrifying experience of hysteria, i get to meet those people that i've only known from their names. Matriculation was fun !!! And i met my favourite lecturer that influenced me a lot for what is going to happen for the rest of my life.

Mr. Byron MC Micheal Kadum

My chemistry lecturer

Kolej Matrikulasi Labuan

13/14

There was this one quote that Mr Byron always said in class, and i've been holding onto this until one day.

"Kalau org lain bole buat, kenapa saya tidak?"

If others can do it, why can't i?

oh and his signature tagline;

Mr Byron teda ajjarr !

hahaha

ok sorry Mr Byron haha

Ok that one day. Obviously towards the end of my matriculation days, i was so keen and motivated to just don't stop believing that i still have the chance to achieve my school dream, and i did. I manage to get a full scholarship to study abroad (Comp. Sc, Uni. of Birmingham UK) and I got my dream course (Doctor in Dental Surgery, UKM). Although it looks like my dreams had been separated but amazingly i got both. So after consulting Mr Byron because was one of the receiver of the same scholarship, i decided to go for dentistry, which where i am now.

My school dream is soon to become a reality. I just need to give more effort to survive this course, graduate and serve my people.

So what will happen next?
in 5 years time, i'll be 28.

by that time, i should have;

1. Pegawai Pergigian KKM Gred U44

2. A house, a condominium is good, but i wanted a house with yards.

3. A nice car, doesn't have to be big.

4. Obviously a husband <3 

5. A business of my own

I don't have any candidate for my future husband yet, but i do have a name that i wanted to give my  future daughter;

Alya Natasha

Ketinggian Kekuatan

The High in Strength

I hope i will be able to reach these goals.

amin ya rabb !

Past, present and future

I know i'm being very pessimist lately, I just don't know how to hold myself together now. I want to cry but I just can't. Something is blocking my tear glands from exerting my tears. Obviously i know the reason behind it, it's just that I don't know how to hold myself together.

I'm not saying that i'm depressed, and obviously not anxious. I just don't know how to describe myself right now. I can't think straight, i keep doing the same thing everyday, i thought about my past almost every hour of the day, and my overthinking really had my nerves. I've been trying to get help, but I just don't know how. Don't worry, i never had the thought of ending my life.

or perhaps i'm just lonely?

i've been heartbroken and failed in most part of life these past 2 years. i'm not doing the things that i love. at this moment, i want to have a time machine and just meet the past me, asking how do i cope my life so well and became such an optimist all the time despite those haters and bullies. Back then, i never thought that calling other people with names that you don't like is some sort of bullies. It hurts, but i don't really make a fuss on it.

Okay, here's the story. back in 2011, i was in form 4. At the same time, my new school had a new principal, which most of the students hated because she was quite fussy. But the principal wanted the students to call her 'bonda'. So, as i entered the new school, they saw my physical appearance was just like the principal, thus they called me 'bonda'. Obviously i hated it because i hated the principal at the first place. There was just too many new ridiculous rules that made our boarding school days horrible. We can't even eat Maggi ! Bringing Maggi to the dormitory was a taboo and you could be called to the warden's office to be punished ! So what i did to compensate with the name, i just told these people that "I hope one day, i'll become a mother. Thank you for your prayers everyday". That's how optimist was I back then.

I wish i'll become a mother one day.

Okay, back to present me. I just don't know what happened. I guess those heartbreaks really gotten into me. This time, i really want to thank my first love because, eventhough he knows that i've been having a crush on him for the longest time and he knew that he can't requite it, so he decide to ignore me. It hurts a lot that time but i soon came to realize that, it was for the best. He doesn't want to hurt me because he know much i'll be suffering if he gave me hope. For that, i thank him because i survived, and the fact that he's always been there when i need to be. It's just that, last August 2017, i came to know that now he has someone. So, i might as well cut our connections and just leave his life alone.

Now what? I guess I just want somebody that i can love. I need someone to bring out the best part of myself. I need it desperately. I can't do this alone. I want someone that could never argue to. This stone headed girl, needs someone that could change her. Okay, perhaps people will say "Nooo you don't need anyone to change. You can change yourself and you can be the best version of myself." Who am I kidding? Nobody knows my past and just nobody knows me well. I'm a loner but i don't really fancy being alone. I don't like clingy people, and that's why I refuse to be clingy to anyone. I just want people to turn to if i need to, and to just be there without judging my actions.

Yes, i have friends that i could rely on and turn to just to make me feel good, and i really appreciate that. It's just that, sometimes, they can be very clingy and judging. Just recently, my bestfriend got her job in a nearby hospital and she was on her 3rd trimester pregnancy. It's just natural for me to be on her side throughout her pregnancy because her husband is not here and her housemates were busy with their own lives. I just can't leave her alone. At least, i need to be there until her husband gets here. It was only for 3 weeks. I don't even have time for myself. But they said something that made feel like a useless friend;

"Kau dah tak lepak dengan kitorang dah"

"You don't hang out with us anymore"

"Dia kan pergi dengan bestfriend dia je, dia taknak kawan kita dah"

"She has her bestfriend now, she doesn't want to be friends with us anymore"

I remained silent. They just don't know how hurtful those words to me. I came to realize that, people around me are just too judging.

Okay enough complaining. I need to be grateful that i still have them by my side, kan?

رَبِّ اِنِّىۡ لِمَاۤ اَنۡزَلۡتَ اِلَىَّ مِنۡ خَيۡرٍ فَقِيۡرٌ

"My Lord, I am truly in great need of any good that You might send down to me."

(Surah Al-Qasas, ayat 24)

I screwed up 2017

It's been a while since i last updated this blog. Well first is obviously i was too lazy to open my computer and typing everything. Most of the time, i've been updating my diary which is for me is much better than having to publish anything in the internet. It's not like anyone is going to bother about your life pun kan?

Okay perhaps it is not too late for me to update for the first week of 2018 kan?

I dont expect much this year, I don't have any hope for anything except to pass my 3rd yr in dental school. I don't expect a new relationship, i don't expect to expand my network. So basically, this year is going to be all about me. I need to fix those things that I screwed up last year.

As most of the people here know how much i love to be involve in campus election. Blue had been part of me since the first day i know Blue. But towards these past 2 years, campus election had changed tremendously. I ended up giving up the thing that I love. No, it wasn't me who gave up, but the objective of this new Blue changed. The Blue that i know, is no longer the Blue that I used to love and fight for. It feels like, they threw us away. We've been fighting together for the past 3 sessions of campus election, and at the end, they decided to eliminate us and sees us as a threat. Especially me. It looks like that i've been their biggest threat since i refuse to be part of the election. I was interested and ready on the first place (if not, why would i be going through all the fuss to prepare for this?). But they ended up treating me like i'm sort of a ball, being chased and passed around. So in the end, they eliminate me (just like a deflated ball). But that's just about it. I screw things up this time and got me in trouble instead. *sigh

I screwed up my relationship with my ex. It hurts but i know Allah know's best and there's a reason why He did this to me. I suffered and is suffering, while he's happy with the things that he always wanted; a good job and a good companion. At least, i'm happy that he has all those. And me myself, i need to be happy and grateful that i have for now. Great things take time. Allah sendiri cakap dekat Al-Quran, Surah Al-Baqarah, ayat 216;

وَعَسَى أَنْ تَكْرَهُوا شَيْئًا وَهُوَ خَيْرٌ لَكُمْ وَعَسَى أَنْ تُحِبُّوا شَيْئًا وَهُوَ شَرٌّ لَكُمْ وَاللهُ يَعْلَمُ وَأَنْتُمْ لاَ تَعْلَمُونَ

“Boleh jadi kamu membenci sesuatu, padahal ia amat baik bagimu, dan boleh jadi (pula) kamu menyukai sesuatu, padahal ia amat buruk bagimu; Allah mengetahui, sedangkan kamu tidak mengetahui.” 

(Al-Baqarah: 216)

Yeah.. for now, i hate the fact that i screwed up our relationship, but i hate myself more for letting my heart to be in love with someone like him, which doesn't deserve me at all ! I know he had been hurting after I left him, but it was for a better cause. I never left him entirely. I was still there when he needs me and i tried to possibly be the best helper for him. I was willing to sacrifice what I have for him, but I guess it was too much, and i was being too much. After i was let heartbroken by a decent guy, i started to have feelings for him again. I was happy because his feelings for me retained. But being together again wasn't an option at all. I thought I could win his heart back, but I was wrong. Holding on to him is like holding on a blade. It lacerates and bleeds like crazy. I can't even think straight. All i ever wanted is to win his heart back. I know how much he had been losing himself and being far away from remembering Allah, and I can't afford to let him lose again. I know I have flaws, a lot of flaws. Even most of the time, i failed to remember Allah. I guess that before i'm thinking of bringing someone, i should consider bringing myself first. 

I guess for this year, i should focus on bringing myself together again after being broken to pieces. 

Not hoping much for 2018, i'm just hoping by the end of this year, i'll be able to love again. 2 years of heartbroken is enough.

Happy New Year !